Saying the Right Thing

We recently attended the funeral service of a dear friend. She was 92 and as her son reminded us, she was not there, but in Jesus’ presence.

Because Bill has been a minister off and on in our 46 year marriage, and because we are getting older ourselves, we have been to many funerals. Some funerals are occasions of desperate sadness, some are just a ceremony to end a long time dying, some are an obligation, but some are a celebration. This funeral was a celebration!

Lurene was loved by many people and the church was packed. Her son’s eulogy was a joy-filled remembrance of his mother who had more spiritual impact on his life than, as he said, everyone else combined.

When it was time for sharing, family member after family member stood to share their happy memories of this woman and nearly everyone mentioned her spiritual life. A friend of mine stood and, with barely contained tears, told how as a young mother and newly moved into Lurene’s neighborhood, she had asked Lurene how she was so confident in her relationship with Christ. Lurene (who had no schooling past high school) patiently and gently took this young woman through the book of Romans and explained how Christ had paid the price for our sins – once for all.

The friend sitting next to me whispered if I was going to share what I had told her earlier that day. But my memories were not for public consumption.

When we first moved to that city, and joined that church, I felt so rejected by not only the community, but most of the people in that church. There are some (probably many) communities where you need to have lived there and raised your children there in order to “fit”, to be accepted. We moved after our children were raised and I never did “fit” in. But, Lurene took me in, accepted me for whom I was, rejoiced with me in my relationship to God, and never once gave me advice.

Every time she saw me at church her face lit up with pleasure to see me. When we formed a little group to “pray in” a new pastor, her prayers were mostly praising God for who He is.

I’m not sure I ever heard Lurene say anything negative about another person.

This was not a self-righteous restraint, it was who she genuinely was. Every person she met was a precious person to her. She truly seemed to see them through Christ’s eyes – as someone loved by God.

As her son closed his eulogy he said that if we wanted to keep Lurene with us, if we didn’t want her spirit to die, we should emulate her. We should carry on loving one another the way she did.

James says “the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts…it corrupts the whole person..with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men..” (3:1-12)

I have been wrestling my tongue all my life. I have participated in my share of gossip. I have done my share of complaining about…many things. I have gotten angry and said those things that the moment they leave your mouth, you would take them back, but never can. I have wounded and even destroyed several friendships with my mouth.

Lately I have come to see that we often wound with our advice. Perhaps we mean well, but often advice is really a criticism of the other person, and if not asked for, it is usually not wanted. We justify ourselves that we are trying to help the other person, we are sharing our wisdom, we are… But if we are honest, we are being critical.

Perhaps we are the most at fault with our own families, with our grown children, with siblings, no doubt with aging parents. We seem to feel freer to fling out those arrows of advice to those closest to us.

We have several friends whose grown children have cut them off because of “advice”. And how many friendships have been destroyed by “advice”?

After Lurene’s funeral I wrestled with my own faults of my tongue; I am resolving that as much as I can, as God continues to help me, I will use my tongue as an instrument of praising Him, of building up those around me, of only sharing what I am certain the Holy Spirit is prompting me to share.

I suspect I will be learning this for the rest of whatever time God has for me on this earth. When I enter His presence I want Him to say, “Well, done, good and faithful servant. You finally said the right things!”