A Most Precious Secret

Recently Ethan was tested in school, as schools are wont to do, for his reading level. At no surprise to Bill and me, and most of the rest of the world, Ethan came out at a 4th grade level in both his reading ability and his comprehension. He has been reading since he was 4 and reading on his own at least since he was 5. He is in a Gifted Program at school, in his case, a special class filled with “Ethans” who are (in first grade) all doing second grade work and beyond. Recently he and Bill had a lively discussion about Geometry!

Ethan enjoys reading, especially if the book is going to inform him about something he wants to learn more about (the list is long and varied). He also enjoys reading “silly” books (my term) aimed at kids his age like the books about Captain Underpants and the Weird series. But he also still enjoys having his mother (and sometimes his grandmother) read to him.

Just as I did with our two kids, Becki and he had a great time while she read to him the Narnia series. Lately, when Becki is not too tired, he snuggles next to her in his parents “big” bed while Becki nurses one of the twins and reads. The current series are the Harry Potter books. Becki loved these books by J. K. Rowling when they first came out and now she passes that love on to Ethan.

As happens to many children, Ethan gets absorbed into the story and it spills over into his daily life. While they were reading the Narnia series we often had a lion accompanying us on our walks. He is currently all into wizards and spells and incantations.

While we were at Ethan’s house, on a recent visit, he was pretending to be a wizard, wearing a cape and carrying a magic wand and riding on his magic horse. Suddenly he asked me if I would like to become a wizard. Like any grandma, I immediately said, “Yes!” So I was instructed to step near the “golden stones” and he “zapped” me with his wand and I was suddenly a wizard.

Ethan was quick, however, to inform me that I was just a beginning-wizard and had a LOT to learn about wizardry. For one thing, I had a lot, A LOT, of spells to learn.

Suddenly he handed me his most special magic wand, the one with the peacock feathers attached, then he handed me his magic flute. And, after deliberating for a minute, he handed me one of his most precious possessions, his book-of-spells. In the past this book was his book of secret writings, which he had told me on an earlier visit, was NOT to be read by ANYONE. Some of the writing in the book is in “cat writing” which is his secret, cursive writing that no one else can read. Other writings are in his phonic spelling and so cute…but I cannot share them with any of you.

I was honored, almost to the point of tears, that he entrusted me with this most precious of his diaries. I am to study the spells, memorize them, and bring the book back next week when we visit again. But the point is, that he entrusted me with this book. What a joy! What a delight! What an honor!

I hope in the years to come that Ethan will entrust me to at least read some of his other most special writing. And may we all respect his desire to keep some “secrets” just to himself.

God has also entrusted us with a most precious book, writings of His own heart. Some of that book seems to us to be “secret” for it is difficult for us to see the deepest meanings, other of the writings are delights and joys and go to His heart for us.

Just as I am with Ethan’s trust, may I also be overwhelmed with God’s trust to give me His writings. May I find joy, delight, honor that the God of the Universe, The Beginning and The End has trusted me to know, at least some, of the secrets of His heart.

Do Unto Others...

Recently a friend of mine recommended that I read The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. I did, and as I frequently do when reading new information, began sharing with Bill. It wasn’t long before I was reading the entire book to Bill and we were discussing these both old and new ideas on child rearing.

The book is written primarily for parents of “explosive” children, kids who easily move to a temper tantrum situation. Ethan does not really fit in that category, though he does lose his temper fairly easily, but we found many of Dr. Greene’s ideas instructive both for us as grandparents and in terms of the Church – but that will be a different blog entry someday.

As I was reading Dr. Greene’s ideas about talking to your children about what needs to be accomplished rather than yelling at them, or ordering them to comply with your wishes, I remembered an idea that had occurred to me very late in our own child rearing days – Christ’s command to us to treat others the way we wish to be treated also applied to our own families.

Most of the time, we raise our children in the same way, or very similar, that we were raised. Far too often this means telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. And when this doesn’t accomplish the results we are looking for, we begin to raise our voice. Quite often the louder our voice gets, the more insistent we become, the more our kids resist.

Or, to avoid what was painful in our own childhoods - yelling parents - we give in far too easily to our kids’ demands (not always what they really want) and then are frustrated by our “lack of control” and feelings of inadequate parenting.

Almost never do we think about treating our children, as we are instructed to treat everyone, the way we would like to be treated.

How many of us like to be told (ordered) what to do? How many of us like to be interrupted when we are in the midst of something we find important, or interesting? How many of us like to be yelled at, embarrassed in front of others (how many times have you cringed in a store as a mother, or father, reduced their child to tears), or punished by having the thing(s) we love the most taken away from us?

It is not an easy task to treat others the way we wish to be treated. It often means putting much more thought into our actions. Quite often it means slowing down long enough to listen, and really hear, what the other person’s wishes are. More than occasionally it means putting our own desires on hold while we meet that other person’s needs.
What if we applied these principles to the way we treat our own children? What if we ask them to do something (or stop doing something) rather than tell them? What if when they say they don’t want to engage in a chore, we offer to help them, or we turn it into a game, or we explain (patiently) why this chore needs to be done and why we need their help?

What if, when we ask them to stop doing something, in order to do something else that we want them to do, and they resist, we find a suitable compromise that works for both of us. Such as giving them time to finish a game, watch the end of their show, say goodbye to a friend on the phone?

These are all behaviors that we would like applied to us, why can’t we apply them to our children?

Many people worry that not teaching our children to instantly obey commands will not prepare them for life, where instant obedience is often the rule. But teaching our children to want to be cooperative, to be able to see a chore that needs to be done and be willing to do it, to learn to set limits on their own desires in order to participate in activities that are good for the whole are even more important lessons and, I believe, will also teach them that there are times when instant obedience is needed. Besides, they are no doubt getting all those lessons in most schools that are more than a little rigid.

Bill and I tried this on a recent “kidnapping” trip to our vacation condo at Christmas Mountain. We had the best four days with Ethan ever. He had a great time and we thoroughly enjoyed being with him. All the chores were done in record time and with laughter and joy. I know this isn’t an adequate test, and when we are tired it never works quite as well, but is our Modus operandi from now on.

Who knows, if we learn to treat our children as we would like to be treated, as Christ commands, it may spill over into treating our own siblings differently, our own parents, that coworker, that literal neighbor, and, hope against hope, the world of people around us.

Can you imagine a world where everyone treated everyone with love, compassion, understanding… Can you imagine a family where everyone treated everyone with love, compassion, understanding…

Some people call this heaven!