Recently a friend of mine recommended that I read The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene. I did, and as I frequently do when reading new information, began sharing with Bill. It wasn’t long before I was reading the entire book to Bill and we were discussing these both old and new ideas on child rearing.
The book is written primarily for parents of “explosive” children, kids who easily move to a temper tantrum situation. Ethan does not really fit in that category, though he does lose his temper fairly easily, but we found many of Dr. Greene’s ideas instructive both for us as grandparents and in terms of the Church – but that will be a different blog entry someday.
As I was reading Dr. Greene’s ideas about talking to your children about what needs to be accomplished rather than yelling at them, or ordering them to comply with your wishes, I remembered an idea that had occurred to me very late in our own child rearing days – Christ’s command to us to treat others the way we wish to be treated also applied to our own families.
Most of the time, we raise our children in the same way, or very similar, that we were raised. Far too often this means telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. And when this doesn’t accomplish the results we are looking for, we begin to raise our voice. Quite often the louder our voice gets, the more insistent we become, the more our kids resist.
Or, to avoid what was painful in our own childhoods - yelling parents - we give in far too easily to our kids’ demands (not always what they really want) and then are frustrated by our “lack of control” and feelings of inadequate parenting.
Almost never do we think about treating our children, as we are instructed to treat everyone, the way we would like to be treated.
How many of us like to be told (ordered) what to do? How many of us like to be interrupted when we are in the midst of something we find important, or interesting? How many of us like to be yelled at, embarrassed in front of others (how many times have you cringed in a store as a mother, or father, reduced their child to tears), or punished by having the thing(s) we love the most taken away from us?
It is not an easy task to treat others the way we wish to be treated. It often means putting much more thought into our actions. Quite often it means slowing down long enough to listen, and really hear, what the other person’s wishes are. More than occasionally it means putting our own desires on hold while we meet that other person’s needs.
What if we applied these principles to the way we treat our own children? What if we ask them to do something (or stop doing something) rather than tell them? What if when they say they don’t want to engage in a chore, we offer to help them, or we turn it into a game, or we explain (patiently) why this chore needs to be done and why we need their help?
What if, when we ask them to stop doing something, in order to do something else that we want them to do, and they resist, we find a suitable compromise that works for both of us. Such as giving them time to finish a game, watch the end of their show, say goodbye to a friend on the phone?
These are all behaviors that we would like applied to us, why can’t we apply them to our children?
Many people worry that not teaching our children to instantly obey commands will not prepare them for life, where instant obedience is often the rule. But teaching our children to want to be cooperative, to be able to see a chore that needs to be done and be willing to do it, to learn to set limits on their own desires in order to participate in activities that are good for the whole are even more important lessons and, I believe, will also teach them that there are times when instant obedience is needed. Besides, they are no doubt getting all those lessons in most schools that are more than a little rigid.
Bill and I tried this on a recent “kidnapping” trip to our vacation condo at Christmas Mountain. We had the best four days with Ethan ever. He had a great time and we thoroughly enjoyed being with him. All the chores were done in record time and with laughter and joy. I know this isn’t an adequate test, and when we are tired it never works quite as well, but is our Modus operandi from now on.
Who knows, if we learn to treat our children as we would like to be treated, as Christ commands, it may spill over into treating our own siblings differently, our own parents, that coworker, that literal neighbor, and, hope against hope, the world of people around us.
Can you imagine a world where everyone treated everyone with love, compassion, understanding… Can you imagine a family where everyone treated everyone with love, compassion, understanding…
Some people call this heaven!
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